The Collective Cast

CC#8 - Finding Myself

February 10, 2021 Christopher Weitzel Episode 8
The Collective Cast
CC#8 - Finding Myself
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

I take an indefinite hiatus from discussing The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  I discuss things I've been re-discovering about myself over the past week.

Who are you?  What makes you feel alive?  What things did you love in childhood or connected with you that you now miss?


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collective cast number eight finding myself you're tuned to the collective cast agents of the collective strive to fight adapt and grow whether facing the evils of the world or those within ourselves we support one another and leave nobody behind and now here's your host of the collective cast the cryptic chameleon hello out there fellow members of the collective i am chris also known as the cryptic chameleon thank you for joining me for this episode of the collective cast and for being part of the journey to fight adapt and grow both in life and in gaming and other things that we all have fun with speaking of having fun with things so this is uh about a week late but hey we're still getting an episode out and part of the reason that i delayed on getting an episode out is because of the fact that i i felt a little guilty uh i have not been pushing for with the seven habits of highly effective people and you might say well gee you know like you said you were going to be more consistent you said you were going to do this and i understand uh i end up putting up or putting on way way too many demands on myself sometimes when i read a book like the seven habits it's not to say that it doesn't have useful information it's to say that i think i'm going to need to temper that with um as my therapist has said like taking bits and pieces instead of taking the hole and putting the hole on my shoulders and saying i'm responsible for this and so part of the reason why i kind of backed off a little bit on the seven habits right now is just i need time to figure out what parts of that are right for me and what parts aren't and i don't want to keep going through the book and state things about what i believe about it etc thinking i'm going to be able to implement this when i might not be able to and that's part of the journey is figuring out bits and pieces and things like that so i may return to it i may not um i don't know yet i don't know what the plan is going forward with the podcast in terms of topics but i do know that i have some topics for today so one of the big things that i'm working on is finding myself and i think that's something that we we all are on the journey to do it's not something that um all of us have the opportunity to discover for ourselves uh when we're when we're going through the parts of life that we quote unquote should be doing that discovery during for example most people have a time that they they move out from their parents and they they go and they discover themselves uh you know either in college or by traveling for a while before college i uh i never really took the time that i should have regardless of whether it was in marriage or in any of my life circumstances to really find out who i was and part of the problem with that is that uh i didn't feel free to find out who i was because i really didn't feel like i belonged anywhere i didn't feel like i belonged even within my own family and it's not to say that that is necessarily all their fault but it is to say that when you don't feel like you belong anywhere it's kind of hard to feel like you want to find yourself it's kind of hard when you feel apart from everyone and everything and you don't feel like you're even human at times to find your humanity and to find the things that actually represent the real you and instead you end up living or at least i ended up living in my defense mechanisms and living in my defense mechanisms meant that i was closed off to actually discovering myself because i might you know do things that wouldn't fit properly within those defense mechanisms they might not fit properly within the religion that i had clothed myself with it might not fit within my grandiose ideas of knowing everything and being everything for everybody and uh or being you know superior to everybody so i don't have to be everything for everybody it it really was hard and it's going to take time to get over all that however this week i've started to do i i did a couple of things that really uh are bringing me back to finding pieces of myself and what i'm finding is that some of these things are things that i already knew and did and i've just been inspired to walk back towards them now um we all do impulse buys from time to time i'm sure everybody does not every purchase that one makes is you know carefully calculated for maximum you know uh return value and maximum you know uh cost effectiveness all right we're talking about you know sometimes you see something and it speaks to you well there are a couple of things that did that to me this week and i decided to jump on them so to speak and so one of those things was i was on a police auction site i was actually looking at cars because well cars are something that uh you know i need to get a new one eventually and there are police auction sites that'll auction off either public property uh like you know motor pool for your state vehicles and things like that and i was like oh maybe i could you know find a car for like three thousand or four thousand bucks that only has 70 something thousand miles on it and was decently maintained you know hey that wouldn't be bad of course it would be next to impossible right now with the department of motor vehicles needing you to schedule out an appointment a week in advance and you'd have to be fairly confident that you were going to win in order to have that appointment set up for the following week and when the auction closed so you'd have to have the auction a week in advance basically and know that you were going to win the auction a week in advance in order to make that happen so i gave up on that idea and uh it wasn't just me giving up uh you know my my spouse said oh yeah you do realize that that wouldn't work with the dmv schedule right i was like oh yeah that's right that wouldn't work with the tmv schedule so with that what i did was i started exploring the police auction site and specifically i pulled up the music page and i used to play guitar i played guitar for many years i started in sometime in high school i want to say sophomore or junior year of high school i taught myself for the most part i did have some somebody act as a teacher and give me some kind of some papers on how to get started but other than that it really wasn't uh you know me sitting down and have 30 or 40 minutes a week with somebody teaching me it was me teaching myself aside from those resources that that individual provided me well i played for many years most the time i played in church doesn't mean i didn't learn music outside of church it doesn't mean that i didn't learn rock and roll and other songs it just means that the majority of the time i was playing at church but i still enjoyed the act of playing and over time as i began to live life as i began to actually not live life as i began to retreat inside myself further and further and to step further and further away of living life and interacting with things that i knew and love and uh interacting with the fact that like i didn't feel great as a guitarist you know i didn't i didn't feel like i would ever make progress and i didn't make the effort to make progress because well why would you make effort to make progress because it's too hard anyway and you're not that great of guitar player so i had this very negative self-attitude towards guitar but yeah i still liked when i was doing it i still enjoyed it and i gave it up slowly but surely over time i refused to make the time to play and the guitar would just kind of sit in the corner and you know i'd pull it out every now and then and and play it almost begrudgingly you know and feel the pain in my fingers because the calluses had gone away and i finally sold that guitar in fact i sold that guitar in part to be able to get the microphone that i'm using right now so it did allow me to pursue other creative things that i enjoy doing like game streaming but it was letting go of a piece of my um myself that maybe i shouldn't have let go of and i was on this police auction site i go to the music section and there's this beautiful blue acoustic electric guitar you know it absolutely gorgeous it has you know it has a scratch in it that looks like a heart which i'll have to you know i would have to buff out or i will have to buff out because i ended up bidding on this guitar and it it ended up being a very impulse buy but it was a guitar a case actually a harmonica which i don't know if i'll play or not but a guitar case you know some extra strings and whatnot and i ended up paying 81 close to 82 dollars with shipping and tax and everything and i have um mixed feelings about it in that at first i i kind of felt the sense of guilt after buying it i was like yeah but you know what if i don't play it or what if i'm not that good what if i don't do anything with it what if what if what if what if and you know i got filled with this sense of you know regret for having made the purchase but then i thought about it more and i was like but that's just me talking down at myself i i don't necessarily have to be committed to becoming a great guitar player but i just need to play i just need to enjoy it the act of tuning it the act of um plucking the strings with a pick the act of learning to play new songs or learning to play old songs that i never learned to play learning to explore different types of music and um several weeks ago i actually wrote a song well i wrote words to a song i i didn't write the music because well i don't have an instrument to write the music with you know so i'm hoping to be able to go back to that song now that i'll have a guitar and be able to make it into it an actual song which is pretty cool i hadn't been inspired to do anything with music for a long long time and several weeks ago this i was trying to take a nap and i was struck with this idea for a song it's kind of on the nose so to speak but it it's it's still a song the other thing that i bought so the guitar this is something from my younger days that i miss and that i feel speaks to me another thing from my younger days was um before i fully chose to clothe myself rigidly with the religious mask and robe that i chose to wear and it's not to say that it wasn't already part of my life and that i wasn't already participating in that religion but i hadn't created it as my identity yet one of the things that i used to do is i would uh burn a specific type of incense called naga champa it's that typical blue box incense that you find at like you know stationary stores or kind of spiritual stores it's the most popular incense brand in the world and um so what i did was i i used to meditate and i used to try to find deeper things sometimes it wasn't even about finding deeper things sometimes it was about escaping trying to actually leave my body trying to do what's called astral projection and i was always scared of it what if i achieved that because my religion had taught you know well if the soul leaves the body you know you're first of all you're kind of controlling your soul in a way that you're not supposed to so that's bad but also if the soul leaves the body or some sense of the soul leaves the body then isn't that akin to death are am i going to die if i if i experience this astral projection thing and that fear still resides with me by the way so i i don't know that i'll ever necessarily or i i might i won't say i'll never be able to quote-unquote achieve astral projection but i will say that there's still fear associated with it because of the things that i believed about it and still unfortunately do believe you know and it's not to say that i'm closed-minded it's to say that that that it's not a belief of consciously deciding yes that's what i believe it's a fear from what i've learned over time that being said what i did do was i remembered this incense and i remembered how when i used this incense i had a greater sense of the spiritual and so i got these uh fragrance oils that are the same scent as that incense that i used to use when i was younger when i used to meditate when i used to try to explore my spirituality in ways that were not the beaten path that was set before me and that's because well i don't really have a beaten spiritual path at this point i'm not adhering to the rigid religious beliefs that i used to believe because well i realized that it was a mask and that i put it on myself to be a substitute for real personality to be a substitute for real identity oh my religion is my identity says i well yes that's great except when you have a rigid sense of self that uh is derived from needing to control your circumstances like i did and i needed to control my circumstances because i felt disconnected to everything and i felt like that was the only way to be safe was to have control you put yourself into a situation where a religion is your identity and you have a lot of different rules you can use to control yourself and to others and control others around you it's not good so i i got this incense oil or this fragrance oil that's based on this incense that i used to love and i got an um kind of a mini humidifier or diffuser that i'll be able to use those oils with last but not least i finally bit the bullet and got a new webcam and uh that that's for the game streaming i also tried to repair my ring light my led ring light uh it fell i was putting it onto a stand and it slipped out of my hand it fell and i caught it by the cord and the wires ripped out of the circuitry and i i borrowed a soldering iron and i tried to fix it and i did fix it for about two minutes and then i tried to put it back on the stand and the the soldering was not going to work or hold properly so that created problems but it's about trying new things and another thing that i've been trying is i've been trying different types of games now i've made some friends through a system called slowly it's a it's a pen pal like app and one of those friends said hey i have a discord would you like to you know be part of my discord i was like yeah sure and so i'm chatting with this person and they're into this game called smite and i had never heard of smite and she says oh well it's like um dota or pubg it's like this arena battleground type of game and i immediately had this like visceral reaction not um but it's not logical i didn't have a logical visceral reaction i just had this immediate like oh it's like one of those games you know but i've never even watched one of these games or played it i made a judgment upon these games in the past because well they were so popular you know on twitch on theta in in other areas like you know there are so many people streaming this game so it's like overblown and oversaturated why would i want to play that and i was being close-minded about it and so i said you know what i've never played that before maybe i should give it a try and you know what i have and you know what it's hard as heck but um i do like it i do like playing this game it's really difficult i'm not great at it by any stretch of the imagination but i tried it instead of just sitting back on this this feeling you know that you know that tension like oh no that's just completely wrong you know i can't like that you know oh like why would i want to like the popular games or why would i want to like these these battleground games you know like there was no rational reason for me to believe that in the first place and that's something that i think we all might find for ourselves at times is that we believe things that we have no rational reason to believe them for or there is no rational reason to believe them for i believe that i had to be a certain person that i had to behave a certain way that i had to have a certain sense of knowledge that i had to be above other people in order to be comfortable with myself and you know what that's not true i can learn to be comfortable with whoever i am without knowing everything without being superior without being in control of other people around me or my or certain aspects of myself i can't control the world around me and so i'm learning through this process of trying new games and trying new things and you know kind of succeeding kind of failing that it's really it's really about finding how to be myself and to be comfortable with myself wherever i am you know i was talking to um i was talking to my wife and our marriage is going to be ending just again putting that out there but i'm still calling her my wife because she still is the i was saying you know when i get my own place i might have told this already but i'm still going to tell it again because it fits within this framework when i get my own place i'm going to have either saturday or sunday be the cleaning day and i'm gonna go and clean and she said well why don't you do that now you don't have to wait you could do that now i said huh and then over the past week or so you know at first she thought oh well maybe we could afford for you to get an apartment and i start getting excited because you know hey i can get into an apartment and that's better for her it's better for me you know that type of thing and then as i began to do research and stuff and it looked like it would work um we discovered some reasons why that couldn't happen quite yet and i was tempted to get really down on myself and be like oh well you know that's a part of my future that i can't have and you know i won't be able to do the things that i'm i'm wanting to do to become myself or to discover myself and i said to myself no that's not true i can do these things now i can learn to play the guitar now i can get the stuff that i want for my game stream now i can i can get this this incense sent maybe i can't buy the incense because that would bother people around me but maybe i can at least use the scent now i might not be able to if it bothers people around me i can't and that that's hard but you know to be able to do that is something that is helping me to return to myself and i can do that now i don't have to wait till tomorrow i don't have to wait until i'm in an apartment i might not be in an apartment for a long time i might have to live here and that's okay it's okay because i can still learn to be myself where i am and part of that is beginning to be more creative and to do creative things and so again being able to play the guitar that's creative being able to game stream and to do it at a higher level of quality that's being creative actually you know my wife came to me and said you know i before things got really bad between us or we discovered the behavioral problems that i had um i wanted to do this she wanted to do this youtube show or not show but youtube channel and she had wanted my help with it at the time and i had told her basically i'll help you get set up but i'm not gonna help help because i'll take it over and i'll be clingy and i'll be i'll try to control it and she again said to me that you know she wanted to do this youtube channel thing recently and i said yeah i can help you and she's like well last time you said you couldn't i said well that's because last time um i wanted to control everything and i've been able to help my son with his youtube channel without without taking control of everything or telling him what he has to do so hopefully you know we're in the clear there so that's one creative thing and she started telling me about these ideas that she has which i'm not going to share with you sorry i'm not going to tell you what her ideas are for her channel but she had these great ideas and um i i was able to toss in a few cents here there to say hey you know what if you did this or you know maybe we could do that and you know maybe we could do it this way and it was it felt good to get into the idea of doing creative work again you know so creativity is part of who i am and part of who all of us are this what i'm doing right now this podcast is an act of creativity and it's something that all of us have inside of us to do not necessarily a podcast but something drawing um you know music video art all of that you know is something that we could take on and so that's helping me to find myself and in fact a couple weekends ago i said okay i have a backlog of like 150 videos that i've recorded and uploaded to youtube but i haven't scheduled them yet and i said well you know i'll get one series uploaded and i got one series uploaded and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be you know you know or not uploaded but scheduled uh you know i wrote the descriptions out and i got the thumbnail generated all that stuff and now i'm at the point where yes i still have another roughly 80 to 90 videos left but i'm almost done i have literally 167 game series at the time of this recording and one 15 game series that i'm currently in the process of playing and i'm done i'm caught up and it feels good it feels good to be able to get something like that done without feeling like oh it's such a tour like yeah it took a long time and i spent whole nights sitting there for an hour or two just going into videos and writing out the description and scheduling them and putting in the recording dates and all that stuff but it's done you know and i have videos scheduled out until november of 2021 and by the time i'm done i'll have stuff scheduled all the way out until 2022 and it feels good uh that you know i have all this content just sitting there and i don't have to worry about it posting out there or people going without this stuff that i'm creating that it's already set to go i don't even have to think about it last but not least on the spiritual front as i mentioned i have a big big issue with uh spirituality right now because i clothed myself with religion not necessarily just with belief but with religion i be i became embodied uh or i was an embodiment of this religion i was not an embodiment of spirituality i was not an embodiment of belief i was an embodiment of living the law of this religion and i thought that was belief i thought that you know hey if i could do this as best as i possibly can you know if i know the reasons behind all these teachings whether or not i've actually questioned whether i should believe them or not because hey i was told like hey well you know who am i to question the teachings of this particular church you know that they they have all of these different structures in place that have been in place for centuries you know so maybe i i shouldn't presume that i know what's right or wrong but you know i really haven't felt comfortable stepping back towards any religion right now because of how deeply ingrained and how painful it is to think about where i allowed a religion to take me and where i allowed myself to take a religion so um i've talked about that a bit in therapy and my uh my therapist said oh you should look into joseph campbell if you're actually curious about religion and joseph campbell if you don't know this is the guy who basically researched myths for a living including religious myths but also all the other myths in the world and he's the one that came up with the idea of a hero's journey uh and um i've listened to some of his talks and i'm watching a really great video series with him and i bought some of his books and it's really really interesting to hear about some of the concepts of the difference between say something being allegorical and something being um you know taken to the letter and so that's uh that's something that you know it's just interesting hearing what the allegory of religion is or the the themes of religion are supposed to be versus how we handle religion it's also interesting that he brought up brought up that like the three abrahamic religions uh judaism christianity and islam have this creation myth where man is set apart in such a way that he's set in opposition to nature that nature is fallen that nature is sinful and we need to be good we need to be good compared to the sin of nature versus other religions in the world tend to be more about becoming in accord with religion and or not religion but in accord with nature making sure that we're not controlled by nature but that we are living in a way that's in accord with nature that nature is another visage of spirituality that nature is another piece of god uh or peace of the other or whatever you want to call it and so these are really interesting concepts to me so i'm really enjoying learning more about this that maybe our purpose is not to think about necessarily what's sinful what's not sinful but what is in accord with ourselves and in accord with nature and in accord with humanity as a larger whole versus what's in accord with right and wrong good and evil not to say that that stuff doesn't matter obviously don't go and kill somebody in cold blood that is probably a very wrong thing to do in fact it's not probably a very wrong thing to do it's definitely a wrong thing to do don't kill people in cold blood for no you know that's just don't do it but what i'm saying is that if we get so hung up on trying to live in accord with quote unquote the good and not to question what the evil is and why we see it as evil you know what maybe we question something that's evil when we find out no it's it's still evil but maybe it isn't or maybe it isn't when you look at it from a different point of view maybe not everything is so black and white and that's um that's really important and so that's something that i've been thinking about and exploring and some people are listening to this and going oh my gosh he's gone so off the rails but that's helping me to find myself is to learn about these concepts of myth and spirituality and everything that can help me to better find who it is that i am and to discover what it is that i believe or who um you know i'm trying to be as i move forward in life so this is going to be slightly over 30 minutes but um i wanted to share all of these experiences um both with myself as i'm talking out loud and hearing it but also with you so that you can hear that i'm still working you know i'm still here i'm still doing things and i'm still going to be putting these out even if they end up being a long rambling scroll like this so my questions for you are like what are you doing what are you trying to get into touch with what pieces of your childhood are you trying to rediscover or what things that you loved are you trying to rediscover and what are you doing in terms of spirituality i would love to hear that and if you do want to tell me what's going on there are a couple ways you could do that first of all collective is one way to do that you could join join up on the discord channel uh which is always in the description of the podcast or the show notes whatever you want to call them but is the place to send your messages and let me know what you're going through also uh i i do believe in what's known as the value for value model so if you are getting value out of what you hear if you're getting value out of me sharing this journey with you and getting to participate in it then by all means please feel free to leave a review on your favorite podcast store feel free to interact with me online or if you really really want to feel free to drop a donation there's always a donation link in the show notes as i mentioned it does take time energy effort and money to put this together i do have to pay the podcast host every month and so anything that you might want to give is appreciated i don't expect it and i'm grateful for anything that anybody ever sends so i want to thank all of you for joining this episode of the collective cast thank you for joining me in my journey to fight adapt and grow and i want to learn more about yours please come on over to the discord we'll chat and i do want to try to do a monthly episode with the community i offered last month and nobody was really interested so if you're interested in sharing your journey then by all means please jump into the discord and then next month when i put that offer out or this month when i put that offer out say yes and we could do that together all right so um again my name is chris also known as the cryptic comedian thank you for being here for this episode of the collective cast until next until next time take care you

Stepping Back from 7 Habits
Finding Myself
Surprise Police Guitar
The Incense of My Youth
Ring Light Repairs, Sort Of...
Trying New Things
Being Comfortable With Myself
Engaging With Creativity
Slog of Scheduling
Joseph Campbell and Spirituality
What Are You Doing?
Value for Value