This week we start the transition between the habits of private victory to the habits of public victory.
What is an emotional bank account? What can you do to make regular and meaningful deposits in the accounts for your relationships?
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collective cast number seven seven habits transitions your tune to the collective cast agents of the collective strive to fight adapt and grow whether facing the evils of the world or those within ourselves we support one another and leave nobody behind [Music] and now here's your host of the collective cast the cryptic chameleon hello fellow members of the collective yes i am chris also known as the cryptic million and welcome back to the collective cast this time i am returning to our normal previously scheduled uh topic although i'm doing it a week earlier than i promised but that's because i had a day off and i could work on this so um first of all i i want to just take the opportunity to again thank you all for listening uh anybody who is listening it's really appreciated i'm glad that you can journey alongside me in our journey together to fight adapt and grow and over time i would love to hear your stories as well about how you're dealing with things in your lives by all means join the discord channel and share your journey with me there as well i would greatly appreciate that so the chapter that i just finished in the seven habits of highly effective people is a transitional chapter it's the chapter that bridges the gap between the personal victory habits and the public victory habits and right now i'm going to do a quick recap on the personal victory habits so the first habit is to be proactive which the book also refers to as personal vision driving a vision within oneself the second is begin with the end in mind and that has to do with personal leadership and that's the activity where i went through and i thought about you know what i would want people to say about me after i die and then the last chapter put first things first has to do with personal management so there's a difference between management and leadership management is making sure that the things that are important are at the top of the schedule versus leadership is having a vision as to the future now so far my experience with all of these has been up and down uh being proactive was never my strong suit and it's still something that i'm very very much working on and so for example the book use the and use the example of keeping your commitments every single day uh for a month all of your commitments to yourself and to others and for me that just wasn't possible it's not to say that i'm not getting better at it it is to say though that it is a lot and i don't currently have yet i don't yet have the personal integrity to be able to do that and it's a combination of energy but it's also a combination of habit my habit is oh i'll make a commitment to myself and then i won't keep it one of the things that's been helping with me with that is the idea that i heard from another podcast of making sure that i don't miss something that's a commitment to myself more than two days in a row so for example if i say that i'm going to do some form of meditation every day if i miss a day it's okay but to try not to miss or to make it a strong strong commitment not to miss two days in a row so that's been helping me a little bit in that side of the journey beginning with the end in mind i i do have a lot i have a lot of character growth that i'm doing and a lot of things that i wrote down that i wanted as traits that people would say about me if i was dead there are a lot of them though there's like 20 there's 24 something like that it's a large amount and i actually ran them by a friend and he's like well i mean those are great if you're god those are great if you're jesus and i was like but those are the traits i want to have in myself and it's like yeah but you have to also keep in mind that you're you're not going to be perfect and that's something that i um i also have a hard time with as i mentioned last time that if i miss a goal sometimes i really beat myself up over it but one of the things that i try to do and i haven't been doing as much lately is to read over that list so that i'm always mindful of what direction i want to be heading in so i always have a clear vision as to where i'm going and who i want to be and that's that helps because it gives me some positive thinking for the future in terms of can't talk in terms of putting first things first that has also been a struggle uh over the past couple of weeks just sitting down and making the time to prioritize based upon those character traits that i want to develop and based upon what will help me grow within the different roles that i have in life be it podcasting game streaming uh father husband all of those things trying to do all of those things and to prioritize what's important is a little bit tricky and it's because maybe part of me doesn't want to face those things part of me just wants to be lazy i don't even know if it's laziness it just might be fear um might be anxiety like some of the things i have to do for the podcast and my game stream involves some manual labor that i'm not thrilled with like not manual manual labor but like pre-posting social media tweets and i have a backlog of youtube videos that is very very long that need to be you know have descriptions written and be scheduled and have you know a good thumbnail created for them and it it's not just one game like i have like five games that i've played or six games and some of those games have like 30 40 episodes that i have to go through and get pre-post and scheduled and if i don't do that by mid-march guess what i'm not gonna have any more videos posting because i don't have any more prescheduled so i've got to go through and do that so those types of things that are important but not urgent sometimes it's hard finding the motivation to do them because they can be tedious and so digging deeper to try to find that is also still a struggle for me but it's always a struggle it's always going to be a battle for yourself and for myself and i need to be mindful of that and one thing the um i will say the one thing that my spouse soon be ex-spouse but still spouse told me is i had mentioned like well when i have my own place i'm planning on having a specific cleaning day you know i'm gonna i'm gonna make sure i tidy up the house every day and she said you know you you can do that now you don't have to wait for your life to start you you can start your life now and it was very revolutionary to hear that you know i could start my life now i don't have to just be planning it and so that that was a good thing to hear and that was a good takeaway for the directions we're going direction i'm going to be going in in my life and uh that this book is going to be taking as we move forward so this chapter does not cover a specific habit per se it covers an important attribute of interpersonal relationships and this is something my therapist has also brought up with me which is the emotional bank account so every relationship that i have or you have or anybody else has has with it an emotional bank account and usually what happens is both people in a relationship be it a friendship uh a work relationship whatever it is deposits get made into that bank account and usually both people make deposits so on both sides you know the bank account has plenty of you know capital in it so to speak from an emotional perspective so whenever you whenever i do something for somebody or um i follow through with something that's making a deposit into that emotional bank account which is awesome and whenever i don't keep a commitment or i mess something up or i say something that is slightly insensitive and not intended to be intense insensitive you know there's a balance there so that when when you know there's a withdrawal made when something goes wrong the person's not looking at me and being judgmental they're saying oh yeah well you know it's a mistake it's okay because there's a balance of trust there there's a balance of emotional trust but building that balance takes time first of all and second of all like a real bank account it can be overdrawn so in my real life i found that again unintentionally i was the type of person that just constantly made withdrawals without making tons of deposits so my deposits would be you know an occasional kind word maybe doing an extra chore around the house every now and then but i would always be demanding i would always want you know hey i need to feel validated i need you to do this i want you to do that it was a very self-centered mind frame well frame of mind and because of that once things reached a certain point that bank account was overdrawn and so there was no sense of trust anymore there was no sense of emotional uh balance there because i had overdrawn and it would take me a long time to be able to refill up that bank account now luckily you know i'm able to rebuild that bank account a little bit but it's never going to be the same bank account at this point at least in terms of certain personal relationships but other relationships such as business relationships it doesn't mean that um there aren't consequences you know if you're in the workplace you know people might say oh well this person isn't trustworthy or this person never follows through etc and i'm sure that people have said that about me and that i had a certain sense of reputation about me because of that and that's something that i have to get through you know it's my job to be responsible for my actions and to make sure that i'm investing in myself and in others in healthy emotional ways so that things aren't overdrawn so that there is a mutual emotional establishment of trust and so that's that's what the next section of the book is about and one of the things this chapter gave was uh some ideas for six different major types of deposits that can be made into this emotional bank account so the first is understanding the individual so the the way that the book sum this up and it was a quote from another person was treat everyone the same by treating them differently so instead of treat everyone as you would like to be treated treat everyone the same by treating them differently which means get to know the person get to know what do they like what don't they like how do they communicate how do they take criticism do they not take criticism well well if they don't take prison well how can you work around that one of the paradigms that i tend to be stuck in a lot of times is well what would i want or how would i think about this well if i'm thinking about it this way then everyone else will probably be thinking that way too right but that's not the way it is just because i would want something doesn't mean that somebody else would want that same something be it emotional physical or you know in terms of anything just because i would want something doesn't mean somebody else would so the do unto others as you would have them do unto you doesn't exactly work because what you want or what i want might not match what the other person wants so the first major deposit would be to understand each individual person you have a relationship with and come to a deep understanding about them so that you can have a sense of what they want and that's hard it's tricky especially when you're coming from a mindset of being in a position of entitlement or selfishness getting out of that thought process of well this is what i would want so that must be what everybody wants is a little bit difficult another major deposit is attending to the little things which means looking for small signs about things that are going on with a person so in instead of you know looking for the major things i mean it's easy to see the major things it's easy to see if somebody is having an emotional breakdown if they're crying in the middle of the break room at work that's that's easy to spot and it would probably be highly insensitive if nobody paid attention to that and just kind of walked by and turned their heads although people nowadays might do that because a lot of people are uncomfortable with well hard feelings if you see somebody else's pain it might remember it might cause you to remember pain that you've felt and then you don't want to deal with it so that's one thing that is you know there there's always obvious things for big big problems but the the key is not to wait for those the key is to look for small things so how is somebody acting slightly different are they more withdrawn than usual for some reason i i notice for example in um a text conversation that i have going back and forth with somebody that i i know and trust that for a while you know i had been asking them how how are things going with you you know as a follow-up so they're checking on me i tried to check on them and it didn't seem like i was getting a response back from them when i asked that and it wasn't entirely intentional on their part either but i did follow up i said hey you know what i noticed the past few times i've asked to check on you and to see how things are going and you didn't respond back and so i'm a little bit concerned are you okay and the person wrote back and let me know why that was happening and some of the hardships that they were experiencing in their life but i would say i probably wouldn't have picked up on that three to six months ago i probably just would have kept on going and talking about me so that's that's something that's key is to look for the small signs that something's up and then to attend to those signs say hey what's going on i noticed this you know you're something small is going on here or hey you seem happier than usual what's going on you know and they don't have to be big huge signs they're just small behavioral things which also comes back to the first major deposit of understanding the individual third major deposit this one's obvious because we've talked about in other chapters keeping commitments so when you make a commitment to yourself or to other people keep it yes easier said than done i'm admitting to that don't don't worry but the point being though that when you don't keep a commitment when you renege on something that you promise it's a major withdrawal and if you do it repeatedly then people aren't going to believe when you make commitments and that sometimes is a situation that i find myself in you know i'll say oh yeah i'll follow up on this and people generally anticipate that you know or perhaps anticipate that i'm not going to because maybe i haven't in the past in fact i know i haven't in the past but that's beside the point so keeping commitments is a huge deposit every time that you keep a commitment it's a deposit into that emotional bank account but it's a huge withdrawal when you don't the fourth major deposit is clarifying expectation clarifying expectations can actually be one of the hardest things ever there's a lot that goes unspoken between people and i know i suffer from this uh especially at work but definitely at home too you know it encompasses a lot of things like oh this needs to get done but who's supposed to do it how is it supposed to be done what time frame is it supposed to be completed in and a lot of times you know if somebody were to say to me yeah that you know i think that this thing needs to get done i would try to step back and not take ownership of it because then you know i could easily say well you didn't say i was supposed to be the one to do it you just said to a group of people this should get done or we need to do this well you didn't specify who needed to do what so i can pass the buck here and that's the wrong attitude to have but the point is is that i could have just as easily spoken up and said who who is responsible for this one of the hardest things sometimes is if somebody in a position of authority gives direction to me and not necessarily one sometimes i don't want to seem stupid you know by asking a dumb question but secondly again the the the attitude is well if my boss or somebody that i consider you know in a position of authority ask me to do something but they're not clear on it then it gives me an out you know i have a way to escape from it asking for clarification sometimes helps to get people onto the same page and to make sure they're on the same mission and it can be hard to ask for clarification when maybe it's a task you don't want to do or maybe it's something where uh you're you already have regular conflicts with a specific person you really don't want to get into another conflict with them but perhaps you get into conflicts with that person because things aren't clarified between the two of you in terms of how things are supposed to get done when they're supposed to get done and who's supposed to do them a fifth major deposit according to this chapter is to show personal integrity and showing personal integrity again is not easy some people believe that it's easy some people are like oh yeah you know i i have great integrity but how many times have you done this you know hey i really shouldn't tell you this but here's what's going on with this project at work that i'm not supposed to really be telling people about here's what's going on with the these different changes that are happening you know hey so-and-so didn't want me to tell you this but i'm going to let you know that's not personal integrity that's not having personal integrity it's it's sharing something that was shared in confidence with somebody else and what that's telling the person that you're talking to is not necessarily um what you think you're telling them yes at the surface level they might be a little bit flattered that you're telling them some key pieces of information about something that they're not supposed to know or be privileged to hear but at the same time what is that telling them about you or what would that be telling them about me well what it's saying is oh well if i tell this somebody something in confidence they might tell somebody else so maybe they're not trustworthy and don't get me wrong that might not be the surface attitude but subconsciously that's what we're conveying the same thing is true with gossiping and i've been guilty of gossiping in the past or maybe not even so much as gossiping but just um you know if there's somebody that a lot of people don't like at work or a lot of people don't like it didn't like at school or whatever yeah we would talk about the person and be like can you believe what so and so did blah blah blah and he turns into a gripe session about that person but let's be honest there's a good chance that those group of friends that we're talking with might be doing the same thing about us behind our backs because if we're willing to talk about somebody else negatively not to their face but in closed doors behind their back then chances are other people would be willing to do the same about us and that again is something having to do with integrity and character and it's hard to get around that because it's something that we all at least i think we all struggle with there's no perfect down the line center of the road i am you know i never gossip i i never slip information that i shouldn't let slip you know i that that never happens i i've never shared details of uh you know something going on that i shouldn't be sharing details with this person about but the fact is is that in my life i have and it stinks admitting that because people are like oh well you know how could you say that you mean that you betrayed people's trust yes i betrayed people's trust and i have to admit that and live with it and it's hard you know it's really hard at times and i think though that most people would be hypocritical if they said that they didn't not everybody i know there are people with deep integrity and i would like to become one of those people so i'm working on it and that's that's the whole point of this journey is to find out things like this and be like oh that yeah that that's an area i need to work on last but not least simp sincerely apologize when making withdrawals so let's say you do something that really hurts somebody and it's completely unintentional you had no intention of doing this but it really hurt somebody well then you have to apologize and the thing is if if you do it again and again and again and again and again or if i do it again and again and again and again that apology is going to seem less and less sincere over time so if i tell my son i'm going to help you with a video project or something like that and then i don't do it and then i say oh i'm sorry you know something came up i had to take care of or i had some commitments for the household to do yeah he might understand it the first time but then the next time if i say well uh yeah we'll totally do this project on wednesday well if come wednesday i don't help him with that project over time he's not going to believe me anymore essentially what the book said is you can't apologize your way out of something that your behavior has built up and demonstrated over time it's going to take a lot more behavioral demonstration than it will just apologizing and i found this to be true in much much deeper and more painful areas of my life as well that just because i'm apologizing just because i realized how badly i hurt somebody or just because i realized even not knowing what i had been doing that i really really hurt somebody it doesn't change the fact that i did that i did it repeatedly and that an apology sometimes is not enough to counteract the negative withdrawals the overdrawn bank account sometimes it takes a long period of time of taking positive action after positive action and still apologizing and even then it might not fix things sometimes the bank account gets closed now sometimes a new smaller bank account gets reopened but i'm just saying sometimes the bank account gets closed and that's never a situation that anybody wants to find themselves in you know i've lost friends uh i've i've lost friends i've alienated family because i haven't kept up on those emotional bank accounts because i was not a person of integrity because i didn't take the time to be concerned about what other people's lives were like or what they were going through because i lived in my own little world of you know selfishness and self-centeredness and don't get me wrong i still live in that world sometimes a lot more than i would like to admit to so the emotional bank account is going to be a very important way of thinking about the habits coming forward that are the the exterior victories or the public victory ones the ones that have to do with having interdependent relationships but once again you can't have an interdependent relationship until you are independent and of yourself and that's something i'm still working on it doesn't mean you can't work on both at the same time but it does mean that until you have a certain level or at least i have a certain level of personal habits that drive character growth that drive from principles that are well centered and well focused then my ability to connect with others is going to be very strained because if i can't be true to myself to who i want to be and to who i am then how am i going to be true to others so that's something to think about as we go into the next coming chapters so that's it we've we've gotten through the first half of the book which is pretty impressive actually just over the first half of the book so now we're going to start going into the again the public habits the ones that are public victories and we'll start touching on those next time if you like what you're hearing here first of all i want to thank you once again for being part of the collective alongside me and for joining joining with me in our journey together to fight adapt and grow if you do like what you're hearing here if anything that i say has value to you then i 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here but if you do find enough value hey it costs money to pay for the file hosting and to pay for the domain name and it does take time to put all this stuff together the other thing you could do is uh leave a review leave a review on your favorite podcast application you know that will help other people to find the show and again most of these things don't cost anything so if you're finding value by all means leave value in some way in the meantime i do want to thank you for journeying alongside me here as part of the collective i want to thank you for helping me in my journey to fight adapt and grow in my life and i hope that i might be doing the same for you in the meantime i want to thank you again for listening thank you for being part of the collective until next time take care [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so you